i read the articles on israel attacking GAZA city. the world doesnt look good. recessions, wars, terrors, it makes staying in the world unsafe. i nearly teared reading the article and i felt more blessed to be where i am. it kept me thinking about my situation and it doesnt make me more noble than anybody else. when we dont have the things we have, we tend to crave for it and when we do, we overlooked the fact that they were there. thats how human nature works. we have always been selfish in nature. i live with a family that loves me the way i am. i have friends that i constantly give attention to even though i am tired for the day, i still think about them. i am nurtured with tremendous amount of patience but worries because i will never be able to please everyone and yet i have been complaining that life's unfair.

today, i read the article and told myself that i am lucky. i immediately googled about doomsday and read the signs of hari kiamat. i nearly want to tear yet again. when i was little, i used to love the history of islam. i love reading about prophets and i was the top student in my religious class. i could read JAWI well and even recite it. yet i lost touch with my own religion. i have seemed to forgotten that GOD has always been here with me. if HE wasnt, he wouldnt give me the strength to carry on life after a lot that had happened. if HE wasnt here, he wouldnt hear the prayers i did just before i sleep every single day. HE was always there and HE still wants to see how strong i can go. i finally realise the fact i have matured in the way i think and how i started to forgive myself.

learning comes from making mistakes. regrets are just part of an obstacle. i have done things out of recklessness and i want to repair it one by one. i have abandoned the very guy that talked to me when i was upset even though he asked me for money everytime. he doesnt know why i never called and yet he didnt give up for a whole one week just to know how i was. until now, i dared not pick up because of my fear. i think there are many things that i have done that seemed to be the better of me but its only because i was afraid of things.

i have to changed. i must be more mature and honest to myself.

if i am more honest, people can see my effort more than i can give now. from then i know that i will have aims in life and when i have a boyfriend/husband, i know he knows i can take care of him and the family. i have yet to achieve that. i am still proctected. i want to learn to make decisions because of myself. start becoming what 23 year old should be but still keep that essence that makes me special.

its not easy but its a step of life that requires a leap =) its going to be fine. i believe.

may all peace come soon. amin.